SEATTLE, Wash. — The Army has established a new branch: The Virtue Signal Corps. The operational support branch is responsible for self-righteous, performative displays of arbitrary moral superiority across all domains of warfare, with particular emphasis on telecommunications, networks, and cyberspace.

The U.S. Army Virtue Signal Corps motto is “Cause du Jure.” The heraldry flags change irregularly, but the generals will assure you that they have “always been the current pattern.” The coat of arms portrays a gaslight between a Ukrainian flag and a marriage equality flag (the flags have always been a Ukrainian flag and a marriage equality flag, Duffel Blog has learned.)

“I was chosen for the Virtue Signal Corps because I just really care about important stuff,” reiterated Spc. Rian Jorgenson. “Most people don’t care about important stuff, but I do,” she said, seemingly for her own benefit.

When asked more about her role in the branch and specifically how it benefits combat arms and American lethality overseas, Jorgenson fell back on her MOS training and devolved into empty platitudes about “remote, sustainable justice-seeking movements to augment the equitable inclusion of socio-economically, non-heteronormative, racially, ethnically, cognitively-diverse neurodivergent populations composed of atomized individuals from historically-oppressed communities moving through spaces and occupying spaces to combat climate-driven resource-insecurity of intersectional identities, including persons experiencing houselessness, composing a broader systemically marginalized, colonized, economically-disadvantaged collective.”