THE PENTAGON — A Sergeant Major was found unconscious in a Washington brothel Sunday morning, after an all-night marathon session of sex with multiple prostitutes, fueled by large amounts of Viagra and amphetamines. A Three-Star General was arrested after a high-speed chase with Fort Detrick Military Police, who found an underage Filipino boy and over a pound of black tar heroin in the trunk of his car.

These incidents are all the result of the Army's recent suspension of its drug testing urinalysis program, another consequence of the ongoing government shutdown, according to Dr. Ink Zemen, head forensic investigator for Army Criminal Investigative Division at Quantico.

“Because of the shutdown, I’ve had to furlough literally every single one of my civilian workers,” Dr. Zemen explained. “I’m the only one on the essential list, and I don’t have any money left in the budget to do anything. No collection, no testing… I’ve even had to throw out a bunch of the samples we’d already collected.”

Once word leaked about the suspension, many soldiers saw an opportunity to use and distribute recreational narcotics with absolutely no way for the Army to catch them. Across the service, MPs and CID agents have seen a massive increase in drug-related incidents.