FORT BRAGG, NC - The Army launched its new health initiative today, which spokesmen called the "Eat Right, Don't Eat at the Chow Hall" campaign.

"Historically the military has served the healthiest, best food we could supply our soldiers," said Army Public Affairs Officer Captain James Dale at a press conference, "But we have come to believe a balanced diet should include something other than mac n' cheese, meatloaf, and pizza casserole. We are committed to keeping our soldiers in the best shape possible, so we are doing our best to provide them food with real nutritional content.”

The Army's new dietary guidelines encourage soldiers to buy their own groceries and lists healthy restaurants out in town. They also encourage troops to steer clear of dietary pitfalls such as high-calorie foods, sodas, and all base dining facilities.