FORT HOOD, Texas – It's always a joyous occasion when Army majors pin on their next rank of lieutenant colonel, but absent from the celebration this week was Maj. Ken Adams, who suspects his marital status may have cost him the promotion, sources confirmed.

Ken and his wife, Regina, have been happily married ever since the two lovebirds tied the knot after graduating college. "She was my best friend and soulmate, and still is," Adams said.

As Adams spoke, however, the command sergeant major happened to be walking past the interview when he suddenly keeled over and began dry heaving.

"Did you hear that sappy crap?" said Command Sgt. Maj. Ben Powers. "While he's spouting off flabber jabber, our unit's busy trying to locate a specialist's wife who never showed up for her shift at the gentlemen's club, and oh by the way, his checking account is cleaned out."