WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Secretary of the Army has announced the service will soon reinstitute corporal punishment in order to improve soldiers' morale, which recent studies show is at an all-time low.

In a new report, Secretary John McHugh highlights a number of punishment methods he claims will "get the Army on track." While the full report is still pending the Secretary of Defense's final review, Duffel Blog was able to obtain a draft copy.

The primary target for new punishments will be minor offenders. Male soldiers in the ranks of E-1 through E-4 can be sentenced with as little as five lashes with a cat ‘o nine tails in their company areas, all the way up to the maximum of 99. Female soldiers have not been selected for the administration of the new punishments, since equal opportunity (EO) studies have proven that almost all infractions they incur are usually the fault of male co-workers.

"If a soldier is late to formation, mouthing off to their squad leader, or unshaven at morning roll, they all usually result in a bunch of paperwork," writes McHugh in the report. "My guidance is that all of these should instead be punishable by lashes in lieu of the traditional counseling statements or poorly enforced physical fitness exercises."