Skip to content
DUFFEL BLOG

Free military brief. No CAC required.

For more than a decade, we've deployed pitch perfect satire to service members around the world.

Join thousands of troops, veterans, and defense insiders who read Duffel Blog before breakfast.

“A must-read for national security nerds.”

—The Daily Beast
Subscribe form

Free. No spam. Unsubscribe anytime.

14years publishing
4,200+dispatches filed
20,000+readers briefed

Soldier escapes Ebola quarantine, catches gonorrhea

VICENZA, Italy — Army Pvt. Eric Roberts broke out of his 21-one day Ebola quarantine to hit up a bar and caught a vicious case of gonorrhea, Duffel Blog has learned.

Roberts, 19, was undergoing mandatory quarantine in his barracks room after building aid stations for Ebola-afflicted patients in Liberia. According to senior defense officals, Roberts snuck out his back window after four days of quarantine, took a taxi to the closest bar, and caught gonorrhea from a local hooker named Firefly.

“I was bored,” Roberts said, when asked to explain his actions. “It was Friday, I can drink legally here, and I want to bang a woman in every country I go to. Now it burns when I pee."

More Stories

Your Cart

Your cart is empty

Browse the shop to find something you like.

Continue Shopping →
Subtotal

Add more for free shipping.

✓ You qualify for free shipping!