THE PENTAGON — The U.S. Army announced today the long-awaited results of a years-long research study, and the findings are abundantly clear: Soldiers’ penises are, on average, about three inches larger than those of sailors in the U.S. Navy.
The unusual study was commissioned by the Army Chief of Staff, in partnership with the Chief of Naval Operations, after the Joint Chiefs of Staff got into a naughty bottle of Pinot Noir while at their annual summer camp retreat in Napa Valley. What started as a bet quickly turned into a wrestling match, which then turned into an emotional therapy session, which then evolved into an intellectual conversation on penis measurements.
The study, which took place from 2021 to 2023, was coordinated by the Pentagon’s Department of Interbranch Carnal Knowledge Studies.
Despite an early protest from the Navy to handle all the measurements themselves, each branch had autonomy in how its measurements were conducted. DICKS mandated that each inspection should be measured on five qualities: length, girth, volume, cut, and clarity.
The Army decided on mass penis inspection formations at the battalion level, which were carried out bi-weekly for 24 months (to eliminate outliers from hot or cold weather). Unit commanders were ordered to appoint a Penis Czar, often the battalion commander or sergeant major, to ensure all measurements were taken professionally and flaccid.
The Navy chose a more efficient method, however. Sailors were placed in a line, and inspected the penis of the sailor in front of them, who would simultaneously be inspecting the sailor in front of them. This chain went on until the sailor at the front of the line looped around to the back to inspect the final sailor. The USS Ronald Reagan held the record for simultaneous penis inspections, with 473 sailors participating.
The results of the study were evaluated by DICKS. Ph.D. Students from the University of Maryland Global Campus volunteered their time to handle the immense amount of data, since the Navy had erroneously submitted three times the necessary measurements. DICKS submitted their final reports, including measurement data and theories, to the White House Office on Penis Accountability.
