FORT LEWIS, WA — A new Army study conducted by Specialist Lance Thompson, an 11B infantryman and amateur female sociologist serving in the 4th Stryker Brigade Combat Team, has determined that every girl in the 504th Military Police Battalion is obviously a lesbian whore.
His study, conducted through exhaustive research and on-site observation of the women, was completed last Friday night after his latest field experiment at Jack's Pub in downtown Tacoma, Wash.
Thompson, a balding 37-year-old 5 foot, 2 inch divorcee with severe acne, explained the scientifically precise methods used for observation during the course of his year-long study.
"I'd watch these sluts get all dressed up in their rooms. I could tell they were all hooking up with each other because they'd blast music to cover up the sounds of their sex orgy," said Thompson from his laboratory in barracks room 341. "I could hear the music all the way outside in the hallway of their barracks in the utility locker where I hid, waiting for them to come out. They obviously knew what they were doing was wrong, since they'd also keep their blinds down to prevent observation from the large tree outside their windows."
