WASHINGTON — The Association of the United States Army (AUSA) describes their annual meeting as the largest landpower exposition and professional development forum in North America. While tens of thousands of military and defense professionals gather at the D.C. convention center for the same conference, some attendees have very different priorities, sources say.

"General Dynamics has what? 'Fidget spinners?' No, cancel that meeting," said Army Lt. Gen. Neil Thurgood to his huddled staff. "And tell them 2017 called and said it wants its trinket back."

Commonly referred to as swag, fidget spinners are just one of many useless pieces of crap that vendors use to lure the Pentagon's top brass and senior executives in for conversations about lucrative upcoming contracts. Other unimpressive swag offerings will include items like company-branded pens, squishy stress balls, and refrigerator magnets.