FORT LIBERTY, N.C. — The Army’s Special Warfare Center and School (SWCS) will broadcast its next change of command ceremony exclusively on OnlyFans, sources confirmed today. The unconventional decision follows a recent change of command ceremony that went awry due to an unexpected Zoom interruption.
According to officials, the incident earlier this week sent the ceremony’s adjutant into a premature enunciation after an anonymous participant shared their screen and essentially reenacted Jason Biggs’ warm apple pie scene from the movie American Pie.
“While the incident at our recent ceremony is not reflective of our Army Values, we decided to grasp the unexpected and take our next ceremony to a platform where we can monetize our mishaps," said SWCS deputy commander, Brig. Gen. Mathew Hardman.
The choice of OnlyFans, typically associated with more risqué content, has raised eyebrows. But Hardman says the move is purely pragmatic.
"The funds raised from our next change of command ceremony will go directly towards our training requirements," he said. "It's all for the benefit of our soldiers during the next continuing resolution.”
SWCS’s leadership has promised that future broadcasts will remain within the bounds of decency, though they plan to incorporate some light-hearted elements to keep the spirit of the Zoom incident alive. “Expect a mix of solemn military tradition with the caressing touch of unexpected entertainment. We’re turning a new leaf in military ceremonies.”
