THE PENTAGON — The U.S. Army will begin issuing updated protective gear for soldiers in direct contact with toxic command climates, Army Chief of Staff General Mark A. Milley told reporters Tuesday.

The standard kit, a rubber suit and gas mask designed to resist nuclear, biological, and chemical contaminants, has been completely redesigned by DARPA scientists for units that emit debilitating and toxic fumes that affect morale. Engineers were tasked with creating a system to remove soldiers entirely from the reality of garrison life, which can be inundated with micromanagement, sexual harassment, pointless drudgery, and the petty personal politics of higher-ups who view underlings as little more than poker chips.

Milley donned the new technology, a virtual reality visor that soldiers will be issued in the coming weeks, as he spoke to reporters at the Pentagon.

“See now,” he said, pressing a button on the side of the device. “I’m at a stream. This is fish-mode. I can cast — I can, oh, you know what, damnit, I’m in a tree, son of a mother—”