WATERS UNKNOWN – Describing every day as a bottomless trove of new and exciting opportunities, sailors aboard the frigate USS Simpson say they are getting the absolute most out of their deployment to the mysterious Bermuda Triangle.

“This is the kind of experience a sailor remembers for the rest of his life,” said Boatswain’s Mate Second Class Freddy Moore, referring to a theoretical future that will never come and, indeed, in this dimension, does not exist.

The Simpson, according to US Navy officials, went missing from the temporal world last February while conducting counter-drug operations in and around the Caribbean Sea. After an extensive but fruitless six-month search, the Navy officially declared the ship and its roughly 200-man crew lost at sea.