WASHINGTON — Shortly after a near-miss assassination attempt on former President Donald Trump, President Joe Biden held a press conference to remind everyone that he has presidential immunity.

“Thanks to a recent ruling by the Supreme Court, I have complete immunity,” Biden told reporters. “Not that I had anything to do with those potshots at my Vice President Trump. I only killed Medicare.”

Indeed, Biden’s closest advisors confirmed that they conducted a lengthy analysis of what actions a president could take after the recent ruling in Trump v. United States. These include potentially sending SEAL Team 6 to assassinate a political opponent, using the CIA to dig up dirt on critics such as George Clooney, and taking shotgun in a car even when everyone knows you were not the first to call it.