WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden, a 79-year-old senile out-of-touch American leader still living in the 20th century, has claimed success in the killing of Ayman Al-Zawahiri, a 71-year-old senile out-of-touch Al Qaeda leader still living in the 7th century.

Top national security aides say Biden was first informed in April that the CIA had identified Al-Zawahiri and other top Al Qaeda leaders living in a safe house in Kabul, Afghanistan under the protection of the Taliban. They then spent the following months refining their intelligence and repeatedly explaining to him what Al Qaeda, the Taliban, Kabul, and Afghanistan were.

The actual raid was planned in early July, according to officials. Biden was described as "deeply engaged" in the planning, only falling asleep twice and managing to find the bathroom on the first try. He ultimately agreed to the raid after planners assured him he could still be vice president in 2012. Then on July 25, Biden issued a final order to his commanders: "Get Noriega!" The strike against Zawahiri was launched only a few days later.

The killing of Zawahiri has thrown the leadership of Al Qaeda into disarray. Mohammed Zaidan, popularly known as Saif al-Adel, has been appointed as Al Qaeda's acting Emir until God tells him otherwise, or he has all his opponents shot, whichever comes first.