QUANTICO, Va. — After severely mishandling of extremely sensitive physical matter, 9-month-old Tyler Stevenson will be tried before a court martial convened by the Marine Corps' top brass.

Stevenson, also known to his innermost circle by aliases "honey bunny" and "snookykins," is accused of placing his SIPR directly onto the NIPR, causing a major leakage, which officials say "cannot simply be white washed."

"This case has latched onto me hard. It really sucks," said lead prosecutor, Navy JAG Lt. Jeremy Wiggins. "I have kids myself. We wish we didn't have to pursue this further, but you know what we say about classified info violations: Once it's innie, you can't take it outie again."