WASHINGTON, D.C. — Top administration aides confirmed Monday that the official Presidential Bus (codenamed “Bluebird One”) suffered severe damage last week when it ran over Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel.

“So there we were, on the way back to the White House for the weekly fundraiser with Jay-Z, when there was this loud, like, WHUMP, followed by this inhuman screeching from the undercarriage,” said a White House Press Secretary who asked not to be named. “When we got back to the motor pool, wouldn’t you know it, there [Hagel] was, lodged up between the chassis and the muffler, and the drive train and transmission were all [damaged] up.”

The bus was returning to the White House from a congressional briefing regarding the prisoner exchange for Army Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl. Unnamed high-ranking officials had related to the panel that it was Hagel who made the final decision to exchange five top-level Taliban prisoners for the soldier, held captive since 2008.