TIJUANA, Mexico — A massive caravan of illegal strippers heading to the U.S.-Mexico border was stopped at the border by a deployment of U.S. soldiers with engagement rings, sources confirm today.

The strippers, most of whom were from South America, had joined the annual march to the U.S. border seeking asylum at one of the many strip clubs outside of 29 Palms. Most had been walking for months with little food, water, or shelter. The drastic conditions resulted in the perfect storm of losing a bit of weight, tightening up c-section scars, and weakened judgement, which made them the perfect target for a third marriage.

“We met them in a three to one ratio, so we knew that it was critical to engage them immediately," said Col. Todd Richardson, Task Force Lonely Patriot Commander. “Then they started throwing rocks. By our Rules of Engagement, that meant we could throw rocks back at them— and by that, I mean cubic zirconia.”