WASHINGTON – Chinese hackers were behind a massive cyber-attack that among other things accessed the performance reviews of nearly three million shitty federal workers, Duffel Blog has learned.

“Most damaging was not the utter failure of our 40 billion dollar cyber security program, or access to key government organizational structures,” said Eric Mickens, a spokesman for USCYBERCOM. “Most damaging is the fact that Chinese government now knows how terrible a number of U.S. government service (GS) civilians actually are.”

The breadth of the attack which was originally detected in April was unknown until late last week. According to sources, it is believed that the Chinese intend to use the information gathered to discover the most common characteristics for the ideal spy to infiltrate the federal government. The sources went on to state that the Chinese government was now recruiting spies based on the profile of a 40 year-old non-combat, medically retired gunnery sergeant with poor communications skills, a non-existent work ethic and no real job prospects in the civilian world.