DUBUQUE, Iowa — High School Senior Ryan Masterson enlisted in the Coast Guard today with a pledge to support and defend Cheddar Bay against all enemies, foreign and domestic.

“I was at Red Lobster before my senior prom, and was served the most delectable biscuit I had ever eaten,” Masterson told his recruiter. “I asked where these fruits of the sea were from and learned it was an incredible place called Cheddar Bay. I knew then that I had to do everything in my power to preserve this place of uniquely American wild natural beauty.”

Indeed, some 1.2 million flakey, buttery biscuits are fished out of Cheddar Bay each year, according to Red Lobster officials. Without careful management and vigilance against unlicensed fishing and illegal trawlers, Cheddar Bay would be vulnerable to poaching and overfishing.