FORT BLISS, Texas – Recent command climate surveys from 28th Personnel Services Battalion have proved difficult to compile due to the high proportion that were filled out in bile, semen, and spit, sources confirmed today.

“We’re not really sure what’s going on at the 28th PSB,” said Col. Megan Smith, a spokesperson for army G1 at the Pentagon. “We weren’t able to get many data points from these poorly or incorrectly completed surveys.”