WASHINGTON — Congress has passed a new law that will cut pay for all enlisted servicemembers by two percent. The money saved will fund a "wicked baller" speaker system for the F-35 Lightning II, according to program managers.

"We were really looking for something that would set the F-35 back another five years," said program spokesman, Vice Adm. Tom Skazanski. "Now we'll have to redesign the entire cockpit to fit the system in there, and even then I doubt it will work."

The Air Force and Marine Corps versions of the system, which will cost $23 million per unit, will be equipped with built-in gramophones, with Richard Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" coming standard, while the Navy's version will include cassette players with the Top Gun soundtrack playing on repeat.