WASHINGTON — Politicians celebrated after Congress voted today to lower the age a person can join the military, own a weapon, and drink thirty cans of Keystone Light before staggering to a voting booth.

The new cutoff is sixteen, allowing wasted high-school sophomores to participate in and die for American democracy.

“Just imagine the thrill of a sixteen year-old teenage person who is now an adult participating in our wonderful Democratic Party — err, our democratic voting process,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.).