“For too long, we’ve ignored one of the greatest challenges our sea services face,” said Sen. Tom O’Leary, chair of the Select Committee on Bilge, Scuppers, and Taffrail.

“We’ve discovered a wide range of techniques, tactics, and procedures our leaders use with drunken sailors, but the process needs to be streamlined to be more efficient and save taxpayer dollars.”

“Some of the most effective methods of dealing with a drunken sailor are the simplest,” said Chief Petty Officer Randall Keel. “We give him a nip of the dog that bit him, or take him to the pub and get him drunker, or lock him in the guard-room until he gets sober. But all the committees’ focus on mustard plasters and hoop-iron razors look good for leadership at the Pentagon, but it’s missing the point at the bosun’s rope end.”

A Department of Defense spokesman, retired Rear Adm. John Kirby, pointed out that many of the recommendations were inefficient but sadly common. “We have the greatest Navy in the world, and we shouldn’t have to heave anyone by the leg with a running bowline. But after decades of budget cuts and inattention, our sailors have had to innovate. Our goal is to have a longboat for each drunken sailor by 2025.”