WASHINGTON, D.C. — A congressman reported today that he was horrified to learn that the Army has been issuing its soldiers green fleece watch caps since 2006. The shocking revelations came during a drive through downtown Washington, where Sen. Carl Levin (D-Mich.) observed a unit of Army reserve soldiers out for a run.

“The first thing I thought was ‘those are the stupidest things I’ve ever seen!’ Then I realized they were American soldiers and I almost threw up in my mouth,” said Levin, after adjusting his flag lapel pin. "Then I of course thanked them for their service."

The oversized headgear replaced a more popular, civilian-modeled black version that was widely loved among soldiers, after Army leadership observed the soldiers wearing the caps off-duty in all types of outdoor situations.

“I mean, I remember when they had those black caps, and they looked great with everything. After the incident this morning, I did a little research. These things don’t match a single uniform we have in the inventory!" said Levin. "What kind of dipshit would authorize something like this?”