WASHINGTON — Despite Gen. Martin Dempsey having a retirement ceremony last week, the Army Central Issue Facility (CIF) has refused to clear him due to unreturned issue items and has delayed his retirement indefinitely, Duffel Blog has learned.

“The big gen’ral (sic) hasn’t turned in his aluminum canteen from 1979 or his medical kit from 1985,” CIF clerk Joe Buckley told reporters, noting that having a four-star rank is no exception. “After inflation, the total charges due are about $1,040,000, but the big gen’ral refuses to pay.”

Senior defense officials said Dempsey has so far taken the news in stride, confiding to reporters that the general has been seen outside of his garage spraying down a rucksack and a number of items with a garden hose.