SAN DIEGO, CA – According to sources aboard Los Angeles-class submarine USS Asheville, the screaming in crew berthing moments ago was only Electronics Technician Second Class Brian Freeman having another bad dream he was in the Army.

“It was horrible… awful,” Freeman said, forehead still damp with night sweat. “There was eye protection everywhere. I… I had just received orders to Fort Hood, and we hadn’t beaten Navy at football in decades!”

“There, there,” said one of Freeman’s shipmates. “You’re here now, safe and sound on a tiny tin can where we’ve all got staph infections and haven’t seen the light of day in months.”

“Thank GOD,” said Freeman, who truly couldn’t have it worse unless he was in the Army.

The 26-year-old from Nebraska, who every day lives amidst ugly gray paint, tight passageways, and impossibly steep ladders; who smells of grease, is hideously pale, and has no privacy to speak of whatsoever began having nightmares he was in the Army after he met a couple of mournfully dull, irreversibly brainwashed soldiers just days prior to deploying with the Asheville.