WASHINGTON — Everyone's favorite MRE will no longer be available a Pentagon spokesperson admitted in a press conference yesterday. There have been no incidents with the bat tartare entree, according to the DoD, but officials are concerned that everyone, except maybe the Marines, will now be repulsed by the option.

The Defense Department made the move more than a week ago amid the growing coronavirus pandemic. Many experts believe that if the original bat eater had dumped a miniature bottle of MRE Tabasco sauce on it, the contagion might have been stopped right before it began.