THE PENTAGRAM — In the wake of a recently released report showing a three percent increase in reported sexual assaults across the military last year, the Pentagon issued a statement vowing immediate action: All annual sexual assault prevention training will have at least double the number of slides in them starting next year.

“We must address this particularly heinous level of crime,” said Gen. Thomas Pinkerton, a Pentagon spokesman. “More slides should do the trick.”

“Also, maybe some more role playing in groups,” he added.