WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking turn of events in light of the Supreme Court striking down parts of the Defense of Marriage Act as unconstitutional, the entire United States military has confirmed they are all gay.

"I can't tell you what an unbelievable day this is," said Specialist Jim Ruckers. "Even with Don't Ask, Don't Tell repealed, I wasn't comfortable telling anyone. But after today, I came out, got a boyfriend two hours later and now we're getting married!"

Millions of service-members have flocked to county courthouses across the country to register, in light of the decision to allow gay couples to marry and receive federal benefits. Most however, stood awkwardly in line with their hands in their pockets, avoiding eye contact with each other.

"I'm very happy with my decision," said Staff Sergeant Tim Conway. "My life partner wasn't as thrilled so I told him, 'Look Private, do you want a new Xbox or not?'"