THE PENTAGON — A visibly tired and still intoxicated Chuck Hagel pleaded with his Deputy Secretary of Defense this morning to cover for him at The Pentagon's morning formation, according to multiple eyewitnesses.

"Oh fuck me, what am I doing with my life?," asked Hagel, still rubbing his bloodshot eyes and attempting to recall what happened last night. "Last thing I remember I was making out with that stripper, and then some asshole gave me another shot."

At numerous bars in the Alexandria, Va. area, the Secretary of Defense was spotted at times funneling beers, drinking 'Irish car bombs', and groping female waitresses. One witness told Duffel Blog that at one point in the evening, Hagel, handling only the neck of his beer, smashed the bottle against the bar and held up the glass shard as a weapon.

"The crazy drunken bastard was trying to pick a fight with some Air Force guys," reported one witness, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "He kept saying 'you flyboy douchebags shouldn't fuck with Chuck,' while taunting them."