KABUL, AFGHANISTAN – Darkness has fallen on Afghanistan’s largest Coalition base, as news has spread that the Bagram Batman is dead. The caped crusader — who shot to fame for providing friendly, if insufferable, safety tips to deployed personnel on Bagram Airfield — succumbed Friday to injuries incurred during a very unsafe brawl with the villain known as Badghis Bane.

“I just can’t believe he’s gone,” said one grieving soldier, who Bagram Batman taught to properly lace and tie his boots. "Without him around, how will I know to protect myself from sun exposure and loud noises? How will I know ANYTHING?!”

Indeed, Bagram Batman's popular but incredibly patronizing online commercials advised service members on a range of fairly obvious topics, including ear protection, theft avoidance, and basic human decency. Yet for all the rules he espoused, the Dark Knight was unable to protect himself from Badghis Bane's wicked backbreaker.

According to witnesses, the altercation began when Bagram Batman noticed Badghis Bane exiting the chow hall without a reflective belt.