OXFORD, Miss. — While forcing a fraternity pledge to funnel a quart of grain alcohol, Channing Hanscomb Thatcher III, Hazing Director of the Ole Miss Chapter of Alpha Chi fraternity, announced that he would have “joined the Marines or maybe the Navy SEALs” but chose not to since he knew that he “would have punched a Drill Sergeant if one ever got up in my face. Plus my Dad is a commercial realtor and I’m gonna work for him when I graduate.”

Thatcher is a fourth-year junior, the owner of seven books about Navy SEALs, and holds a monthly membership at Planet Fitness “because that’s where all the hammers work out.” He is confident about how he would have performed in combat.

“I would have kicked a lot of ass in Afghanistan or Saudi Arabia or Mexico or whatever, but I am crazy as hell when someone gets up in my face,” the hospitality major asserted. “I would have blacked the hell out and woke up in jail, be done killed some dude, bruh.”

Wearing plaid shorts, a violet Duckhead t-shirt, and a white ball cap bearing his fraternity letters as he high-fived identically attired Alpha Chi brother, Cranston Hutchinson Thresher II, Thatcher was reflective.

“I mean, dude, I would have slayed at being like a Green Beret or whatever, but I’m not wearing some uniform.”

Raised in a 4,000-square-foot lakefront home, Thatcher is deeply patriotic. He knows most of the first verse of the national anthem and “absolutely” supports the troops, often referencing his cousin in the Air Force as proof. But for Thatcher, his service to Alpha Chi, particularly during the charity paintball game during which “the brothers” partnered with the “straight smoke shows” in Delta Zeta sorority, proves how much he loves his country.

“Dude, I would die for Alpha Chi so I know I would have been a badass Army Ranger or some shit,” Thatcher said while using a sockless Sperry Topsider to push aside a host of Keystone empties and scream at pledge Chandler Holscomb Thrusher II to be more attentive while scrubbing a toilet with his toothbrush.