PARIS – In a desperate attempt to curb the spread of coronavirus disease, or COVID-19, within its borders, the French military surrendered unconditionally to the virus in a beautifully choreographed public ceremony this morning.

“I have trained my entire life for this moment,” said France’s Chief of Defense Staff, Gen. François Gérard Marie Lecointre, as he dutifully laid his saber at the foot of one of the virus’s numerous docking glycoproteins. “Surrendering to a greater force, or in this case a superior pseudo-living particle, is the greatest distinction for which an officer in our nation’s employ can strive.”

“I only hope our new virulent overlords see fit to find a place in their government for my humble talents.”