KLEBER KASERNE, Kaiserslautern, Germany—Furloughed GS employee Molvin Pootnose has been dealing with the worldwide COVID-19 isolation restrictions better than most. He’s taken up origami, embarked on a documentary-viewing endeavor to broaden his historical knowledge, and has been practicing meditation daily.

But if there’s one thing that he’s really missing, one thing that would make him feel safe and secure, return a sense of normalcy to his life, it is treating soldiers like utter filth.

“I really love taking some earnest young Sergeant, pulling up his OCIE receipt, and then before I print it off, randomly adding a bunch of Arctic-pattern gear that hasn’t been issued since 1997—and then only to people stationed above Newfoundland or below Chile,” Pootnose confided. “And then when he says he was never issued that stuff, I strongly imply that he’s a liar.”