WASHINGTON, D.C. — Troops from the Army, Navy, Marine Corps, and Air Force told Congress on Wednesday that general officers were willing to sacrifice portions of their caviar rations, personal assistants, limousine drivers, and golf courses if it meant improving training and equipment needed for the rest of the military.

"We feel these cuts will provide us with the right training and equipment," said Marine Lance Cpl. Eric Smaltz. "We'll be able to improve our quality of life through more suicide awareness training, sexual assault classes, and motorcycle safety. Basically anything that involves PowerPoint is what we're looking for. It's why we signed up after all."

The enlisted members told a House subcommittee that generals won't complain about cuts to the entourages of chauffeurs, chefs, hot nubile aides, private jets, motorcades, $100,000 salaries, and harems of mistresses which can cost up to a million dollars for every admiral and general.