FORT RILEY, Kan. — The 1st Infantry Division’s new commanding general is under intense scrutiny this week after missing the division review in his honor, sources report. Maj. Gen. Wayne W. Grigsby Jr. reportedly told his commander he was "really, really ill" and at sick call, sources say.

Grigsby, who replaced Maj. Gen. Paul Funk III this past Thursday at the top position in the Army’s oldest serving infantry division, was seen by numerous witnesses limping to sick call after half-heartedly grabbing his leg and yelling “My hammy!” in the first 100 meters of a 10k division change of command run earlier that morning.

After nearly three hours, a senior NCO found him at the aid station with his head tilted back, mouth agape, snoring while all 4,000 soldiers under his command were standing at parade rest on the blazing hot Custer Parade Field.

“Any time I see a piece of shit racked out at sick call I come up behind them, violently shake them awake, and ask them who their commander is,” said the division's Sustainment Brigade Command Sgt. Maj. Stephen Harris, who stops by sick call seven days a week to berate and shame soldiers for malingering. “When he said [III Corps Commander] Lt. Gen. McFarland I thought it was some turd-lifer Specialist fucking with me."