WASHINGTON — Numerous general officers who contributed to America's slow-motion failure in Afghanistan would like you to take their advice on how to defeat the coronavirus pandemic, sources confirmed today.

“I think our advice is particularly timely for government officials. We know how to walk away from a disaster where people died with our reputations intact,” said retired Gen. Stanley McChrystal, who ended his career as commander of U.S. forces in Afghanistan. “If you think you face a similar situation, I am actually a consultant now, and I can assist.”

McChrystal, who is most famous for his strategic insight that the United States should “muddle along” in Afghanistan, called the U.S. response to coronavirus “pathetic.” He has also argued that the country should employ counterinsurgency doctrine in order to defeat coronavirus, a doctrine best noted for its failure to defeat the Taliban.