MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. — In preparation for his anticipated role as the next Secretary of Defense, Fox and Friends Weekend host and former National Guard Maj. Pete Hegseth is reviewing Department of Defense policies he believes must be maintained, scrapped, or overhauled. 

One persistent issue in the U.S. military is the threat of sexual assault and harassment among service members. Drawing on the Army’s Sexual Harassment-Assault Response Program (SHARP), a proactive program implemented by the Army in 2005, Hegseth and his team have outlined plans for a new, Department of Defense-wide program they call ‘$HARP.’

According to Hegseth, the 2025 Pay Harassers and Assault Reporters Plenty program will institute a policy to protect drunken service members — particularly men — who find themselves being lured in by wicked temptresses and vixens to engage in rough sex the men don’t consent to, only to see those treacherous women filing superfluous and fake police reports later. 

The policy will also provide male service members with the financial and legal means to pay their accusers and get them to sign non-disclosure agreements to keep their filthy mouths shut about events that were totally consensual.