CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN, Colo. – The Pentagon announced today the first-ever significant overhaul of the military’s approach to drug testing across the force. Rather than tying down mid-level NCOs to personally watch members’ members while urinating, each base will be enhanced with “smart urinals” and “smart commodes” that will be monitored in real-time from a bunker deep beneath the Cheyenne Mountain Complex.

Called LIVESTREAM, this high-tech marvel tracks the service member via continuous webcam surveillance, CAC sign-in, and near-instant analysis of urine for a dozen common drugs. The monitoring of the urination will be conducted by specialists trained for special duty from all military branches. Everyone certified by this training will have a new “career modifier” of “ICUP” added to their regular career AFSC/MOS/Rating codes.

“This is a tremendous advance not only in technology but also in process,” said Under Secretary of Defense for Personnel and Readiness Matthew Donovan. “As important of a job as being a “wiener watcher” is, who really wants to do that? Now with LIVESTREAM, skilled technicians will take that responsibility, watching hours upon hours of urination to make sure no one is cheating the system.”

The idea for LIVESTREAM originated from the Corona Conference, an annual gathering of Air Force leaders in Colorado Springs where new ideas and concepts are discussed to chart the future.