NORFOLK, VA — Junior sailors onboard the USS Wasp are listening intently as Damage Controlman Chief Jose Cortez stresses the importance of learning about something they will never hear about again, sources confirmed today.

“This is incredibly important,” Cortez says while holding up The Thing, a piece of equipment that isn't even worth describing in detail because, honestly, you're just there to sign your name to the attendance sheet. “Everything you do in the Navy will involve this in some way."

"Are you following me?" asks Cortez to a nodding class not paying any attention.