FT. BELVOIR, Va. - Championing a new incentive to retain more intelligence talent across the US Armed Forces amidst a recruiting crisis, Command Sgt Maj. Kyle Gilliam is on a mission to convince other senior enlisted leaders to look eastward, into the rising sun. Convinced that the consumption of erotic Japanese animation is the “new nicotine” Gilliam urged fellow senior enlisted leaders at a Joint Senior Enlisted Intelligence Leadership Conference to immediately implement a hentai allowance for intelligence troops who already spend much of their time alone in dark rooms.

“If you look in any of your junior soldier’s barracks right now, I guarantee you will find some sort anime paraphernalia,” Gilliam said. “It all clicked for me when I saw an anime pillow during a barracks inspection. I asked the Soldier what the pillow was about and he said, ‘That's my waifu, Sergeant Major.’ I didn't know what that meant, but he screamed at the top of his lungs if anyone touched it, and I thought, ‘Bingo!’.”