YOUR COLON – Hello human carrier. It is us, the grains of sand stuck so far up your bunghole that you’d need a colonoscopy by a real civilian doctor to find us. Looks like your ass, our host, is headed back to Iraq. It’ll be a homecoming for all of us, so is this deployment to going to be F.U.N. fun or what?

You may remember the night that we worked our way up your prune chute during a two-day dust storm near Ramadi. You wrapped up in gortex and a poncho liner, but no snivel gear can keep blowing Iraqi sand from finding an orifice. Some of our buddies camped out in your nose and ears, but you dug deep and found all of them eventually. Still, no shower or Q-tip can reach us!

It’s quiet, burrowed into your colon wall. But what we hear, we don’t like. Words like “spreadsheet,” and “slides.” People say “readiness” a lot, and that makes your sphincter tighten and twitch. We also hear people say “lethality.” Funny thing, they’re not any of the same voices we heard in Iraq. Just sayin’.