WASHINGTON – As dating in America shifts online, so too are Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines, and yeah, Coast and Space Guardians increasingly moving out of strip clubs and onto Tinder to find love. 

While the changing face of courtship has launched a million new DEERS workflows, it also opens up those same military members to cyber attacks, particularly from foreign assets looking for exploitable sources of intelligence. Most recently, a retired Army Lt. Col. was charged with leaking classified national defense information online to a person claiming to be a woman from Ukraine.

Duffel Blog, America’s premier military news site, takes force protection and preservation of national security very seriously.  We have therefore compiled nine easy tips for determining whether the fake person you’re talking to online is just a regular bot or one after your sweet, sweet TS clearance.

1. She keeps saying “I hope your dick is as long and hard as the maximum effective range of an LGM-35A Sentinel Missile, but how long is that exactly?”

This honestly should be day one stuff.  If you were packing an LGM-35A Sentinel in your pants, you wouldn’t need to be on these sites in the first place.

2. All the nudes she sends are reposts for Weibo

We aren’t trying to kink shame someone who posts their bits online and by itself, this one is more of a red flag than a deal breaker.  However, Weibo is Chinese Twitter so keep that in mind.

3. All of her eggplant emojis are in Cyrillic

You’ll know it when you see it. It’s like backward English or maybe something you would see in a video game.