WRIGHT-PATTERSON AIR FORCE BASE, OH. – As excitement builds across the United States for the upcoming total eclipse, joint US military units at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base have been busily setting up ominous “gate-shaped” structures covered in what appear to be ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics. The structures, surrounded by statues of various pagan deities, are located by the airfield, which is located directly in the path of totality.

“It’s just an exercise,” said Col. Ariel Batungbacal, commander of the National Air and Space Intelligence Center. “There is no need to worry or to smear the blood of lambs over the doors of your homes.”

“Hail Anubis,” she added.

Residents near Wright-Patterson have recently complained about the increase in air traffic in the area, as multitudes of aircraft have been heard, but not actually observed, arriving at the base in the dead of night. Reports of “pulsating, tortured wailing” emanating from the airfield have also risen over the past weeks.