PYONGYANG, DPRK — As North Korea inches closer to the nuclear brink, one woman has stepped forward with a stunningly selfless offer that might be the world’s last best hope for keeping tensions on the Korean Peninsula from coming to a head.

“I was really hoping this day would never come,” said Ri Sol-ju, wife of Dear Leader Kim Jong-un. “But it occurs to me that the power to put all of this foolishness down really rests in my hands. Or mouth, as the case may be.”

Indeed, Ri, a role model for all women in the Hermit Kingdom, announced publicly on Thursday that, if her “nutjob husband will stop stroking his ego with these moronic threats,” she is prepared, for the first time in their marriage, to place his [redacted] in her mouth and [redacted].

“Wait, Kim Jong-un has a wife?” the international community cried all at once, after puking into a bag. “That has sex with him?!”