MOSCOW – President Vladimir Putin caused a stir of introspection and despair today during a press conference to state media when he commented that Russia respected Ukraine’s wishes to maintain their current leadership in an obfuscating speech before proceeding to kill himself in an elaborate torture device, sources confirmed.

“If [Ukraine] likes their old government — fascisti cuka — then they can keep it,” President Putin stated flatly, banging his clenched fist upon the mahogany table for emphasis before going on to obliquely contradict himself in a bizarre rambling oratory. “The Russian Federation agrees with the Maidan’s desire for change, and Russia will bring about the change that is needed. Unless of course Ukraine doesn’t want to alter, then Russia will change it anyway.”

The Russian President glared about the room, nostrils flaring slightly, before going on to say that “all will become one with Russia. Let’s remember what the United States did in Afghanistan, Iraq and Libya."

“They sit there across the pond as if in a lab running all kinds of experiments on the rats,” Putin said. “Why would they do it? No one can explain it.”