Camp Foster, Okinawa – The Marines of Barracks 5718 were shocked after learning of the tragic death of one of their comrades this morning. Corporal Peter DeWitt, a Marine with Engineering Maintenance Company, CLR-35, had been found by his roommate, unresponsive on the floor. Medical staff later pronounced him dead on the scene -- from a phenomenon known as 'liver cleanliness'.

Friends of Cpl DeWitt say he had recently had his Gold Liberty Card revoked for arriving to work thirty seconds late, and had been playing gratuitous amounts of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 despite an Internet connection that is reported to be “spotty at best.” He was also reprimanded by his command and told he could not consume alcohol anymore, when they determined a hangover was the cause of his tardiness.

Unable to leave base or go to the Enlisted Club to consume his usual, excessive amount of liquor with local women, his liver began to slowly heal over time. It began piecing itself back together and recovering from months of sustained abuse. Medical professionals determined that this sort of recovery was “simply too outstanding for his body to take.”

Dr. Yoshi Yamamoto, a physician with a local Japanese hospital, explains this strange occurence: