HEIDELBERG, Germany — Lt. Gen. Christopher Cavoli, commander of all US Army forces in Europe, is totally not at work today because he has coronavirus and not because he’s having an epic day off, said US Army Europe spokesperson Maj. Traun Moore.

According to a statement, Cavoli was absolutely recovering in bed because he did not want to spread the deadly coronavirus and, in his weakened condition, he might take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject himself to further injuries.

Cavoli reportedly was exposed to the disease while attending the Land Forces Commanders Conference in Wiesbaden, Germany.

Simone Adamley, although not in attendance at the conference, did note that her best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with a girl who saw Cavoli pass out in the 31 Flavors in the Wiesbaden PX last night.