FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Maj. James Fitzgerald achieved Nirvana this week after realizing that his job is completely and utterly irrelevant to anything that occurs in the real world, according to sources.

Fitzgerald serves as the Assistant Section Planner for International Integration and Partnership (IIP) at US Army Forces Command (FORSCOM). Nirvana is an emotional and spiritual plane typically reserved for Buddhists that have broken the cycle of rebirth (reincarnation) through defeating passion, aversion, and ignorance, usually by practice of certain spiritual techniques.

“When I first began the job I would put in the standard 15-16 hour work days expected of a good staff major,” Fitzgerald explained, a beatific smile across his serene features.