FORT CARSON, Colo. — Major Carl Vandemeer inadvertently awakened a Balrog this past Thursday, sources said, while delving into the 4th Infantry Division shared drive for an old product to reference.

The Balrog, an ancient demon of flame and shadow, was found buried beneath dozens of nested subfolders, inside a file marked “old products.” Vandemeer, a division G35 staff officer, claims to have been searching for a phone tree template when he stumbled upon the servant of Morgoth.

“Never reinvent the wheel, is what I'm always telling these LTs,” said Vandemeer. “Now obviously there’s been some second- and third-order effects that we didn’t anticipate, but that’s why we as leaders have got to be adaptable.”